I wasn't invited to the club

Today I felt like there was a club that everyone else was invited to but me. It's called "being parents." I am approaching the due date of "our little heartbeat" this week. another woman in our ward had a baby this week and brought her to church today. Everyone was excited to see her baby and talk about it and yes, we need to extend service to her, but I felt totally uncomfortable. You see, I'm not a part of that club, so I feel out of place, awkward, and bitter that I'm not a part of it. Yesterday I had to buy a baby shower gift for our niece. Yes, our niece. She's already a part of the club. Why did buying a gift for her feel so crappy? Why can't I be genuinely excited for others. I have to force it.  I look at all the women around me, they all have kids. Their hormones are in balance. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I don't love being at church.

These are venting words, and no, these thoughts aren't constantly in my brain, but they come, and they hurt. My sweet husband deserves to have children. He wants to be a dad. I want to give that to him so badly. I wonder if it will ever happen. I hope it does. I still hope and pray, and dream it will happen.

I hate infertility

I need an outlet. This may be it.

In recent news, I got a dog (2 years ago). Even better, I found a wonderful man and I married him. I'm so in love with him. What a difference to be married to a kind, thoughtful and loving man. Knowing I had a hard time getting pregnant the first time around, we started fertility treatments right away. We did the naturopath, then the Reproductive Endocrinologist. A year later, I've had two miscarriages and no baby. I feel the clock ticking with my 34th birthday in 5 months. I'm so grateful for my darling husband who is with me in this journey, because it is rather isolating. Cue online journaling. This is where I talk about it.

And talk, and talk. JK, but I could. I'm a little obsessive over the topic.

Maybe I'll complain and vent, or maybe I'll say something hopeful and positive. It'll probably depend on the day. Or the hour.

I decided today that I want to plant a couple of plants in the yard to honor the two babies that I've lost. The kicker is we may turn this place into a rental. What if they get destroyed? Who knows how far away that will be, though, and I want to plant something soon. I want something that is flowering, not too big, long-lasting, and hardy. Maybe a Daphne shrub.

We'll see.
Until then...

Nay, Speak No Ill

There is always an option to judge others, or support them. To criticize or encourage. To demean or enlighten, To resent, or forgive. To envy or compliment. So often we can have another friend if we just choose to first be a friend by choosing the latter of each of the previous options.

"Those of whom we thought unkindly, oft become our warmest friends." So true (from the hymn "Should you Feel Inclined to Censure").

I also love the following words:

Nay speak no ill; a kindly word can never leave a sting behind; And, oh, to breathe each tale we've heard is far beneath a noble mind. Full oft a better seed is sown by choosing thus the kinder plan, For, if but little good is known, still let us speak the best we can.

Give me the heart that fain would hide, would fain another's faults efface. How can it please the human pride to prove humanity but base? No, let us reach a higher mood, a nobler estimate of man; be earnest in the search for good, and speak of all the est we can.

Then speak no ill, but lenient be to others' failings as your own. If you're the first a fault to see, be not the first to make it known, for life is but a passing day; no lip may tell how brief its span. Then, oh, the little time we stay, let's speak of all the best we can. 

I hope to be better at speaking well of others and holding my tongue when it is about to produce an "ill utterance."

Greatness Comes Through Serving Others

Today, after church, I made my usual trip to the nursing home to help them with their short Sunday services. I enjoy playing the piano for them, because, well, I'm not very good, and yet, they still love it when I play :). My dear friend Velma just turned 99. She is an amazing lady. Her body is thin and frail, but her enthusiasm for life and her loving spirit shine brightly. Today while chatting with her, her age came up, and she said something to the effect of "yes, it has been a wonderful journey, I love it."

From what I know about Velma, I understand that her life has been one of service. That is why she has such enthusiasm. That is why her life has been good, and that is why she is so positive and full of love for others. From what I know about life, no one is exempt from sorrow and heartache. At times it seems that some just coast along the current and stay afloat while others struggle to breathe and spend their lives having to swim upstream, but truly, everyone has their own personal struggle at different points in their lives, even if it doesn't appear so, it is. Everyone may experience loneliness, discouragement, loss of a loved one, betrayal, and the list goes on and on. And yet, there are those who are downright bitter and angry at the world, and there are those like Velma, who come through this life totally refined and full of love towards others. And happy! What is the difference? I would say that one difference is in service. One who lives to serve or help others finds her own strengths and abilities. One's own heartache is minimized as she goes beyond herself in an effort to make someone else's life better, thus finding more meaning and purpose altogether. (I used the female pronouns, but it definitely goes both ways for men and women). This short video really touched my heart, and gets at the joy one can feel when serving others.

How I am grateful for the example of my Savior who spent his life in service, and showed us the way to live in love. I'm also grateful that he has done for me what I cannot do for myself--that is, provide a way for me to repent and be clean again so that I can move on beyond my previous mistakes.



    

In His Plan, There are No True Endings, Only Everlasting Beginnings.

Yesterday my wedding anniversary came and went, and would've marked 4 years of marriage. It felt strange that a year ago I was celebrating the day with my husband and now, he is somewhat like a stranger to me. Although I will never forget him, sometimes I wish I could. Never before had I truly understood the pain of a broken heart, and now I've experienced even the physical pain of it, the lack of appetite, the pit in your gut, and a heart that is now more reserved, more timid, more fearful of feeling too deeply, but still hopeful that healing will happen with time.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke of living life in gratitude, no matter the circumstances.  There are times in life when and ending of something brings great sorrow. The end of a loved one's mortal life, the end of hope of maybe marrying or having children. Or for me the end of a relationship, a marriage. He offers gratitude as a soothing balm during difficult times. His words ring true to me:

We can choose to be grateful, no matter what. 

This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer.

When we are grateful to God In our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ's Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven's embrace. 

We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain? 

Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.

This is not gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind. 

I also appreciate what he said later in his address, that because we are eternal beings, it makes sense that the endings of life cause some of the bitterest pain.

In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bittern endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny. The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruption--temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.

How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.

I also am so grateful for Heavenly Father's plan, and for the hope the gospel brings. gratitude is a catalyst to all other Christ-like attributes. Gratitude, therefore increases hope, which increases my happiness and peace. I love my Savior. 

4 years ago today

4 years ago today I married the man with whom I expected to spend the rest of my life and onto eternity. Now, looking back, the last 4 years are filled with bittersweet memories, and some just bitter memories. It's strange to look back and painful to reflect how I trusted him with my life, for him to eventually walk away. I don't know why it ended, but perhaps I am better off single than with someone who made me feel so very alone.



Here's to hope that one day I'll be able to trust again. And thank goodness for those who maintain full fidelity in marriage and who keep their promise to continue to love. Thanks to them, I continue to hope.

Everyone at Some Point Will Travel Through Mists of Darkness

It has been 10 months since I moved away from a small town full of memories of my married life and unexpectedly became single again and began the healing process after being left, after, against my choice, ending a marriage in which I was thoroughly invested and to which I was completely committed. I was never given a good explanation of why our marriage was ending, and since then, I have wondered in which ways exactly was I not good enough. Since that day just over 10 months ago (actually, even before that day), I have battled these destructive thoughts and feelings of "I am not enough," and I continue to today. This post reminded me, yet again, that my Heavenly Father would never want me to feel this way.

"We sometimes as women, have a tendency to be very critical of ourselves. During these times we need to seek the Spirit and ask 'Is this what the Lord wants me to think about myself, or is Satan trying to beat me down?' Remember the nature of our Heavenly Father, whose love is perfect and infinite. He wants to build us up, not tear us down." -Linda S. Reeves

But the adversary indeed takes advantage of times when one feels beaten down. I have experienced it myself--being bombarded with the thought that "I am not enough," leading to despair and a sentiment of "what's the point? I should just give up."

Lehi, an ancient prophet, dreamed about the tree of life. In this dream there was a rod of iron that led to this tree whose fruit was desirable to make one happy. This fruit represents the love of God. He who wants to build me up. He who knows me. He, who is in the details of my life. He, who is indeed my father. He, whose love makes me happy.


Now, if only it were that simple: a rod that leads to a tree whose fruit is happiness. No. This life is a journey.  A tough journey. Tough enough that my prayers may sound something like "I hope ya know, I'm having a hard time!" No one is exempt from challenges, fear, not knowing what is ahead, peer pressure, shame, regret, heart-ache, sickness, etc. As soon as one lets go of the rod of iron, she finds other pathways and can easily get lost or fall in a river. And then there's the people pointing fingers and mocking those who are pressing on towards the tree whose fruit is the love of God, and is desirable to make one happy. Why others mock those who truly seek happiness, I do not understand. The rod of iron is the word of God. Those hearkening to the word of God find the tree. But even those who hold onto the rod of iron at times are surrounded by mists of darkness. When traveling through the mists of darkness, if one is not clinging to the rod, they will get lost. Even those who are truly penitent seekers of happiness, who follow Christ's commandments at times are surrounded by mists of darkness.

The feelings resulting from my divorce (I still hate to say that word) remind me of the mists of darkness. I question all of my choices, past and present, and don't trust them, I wonder what lies ahead of me and if I will ever have a family of my own. I feel beaten down. I feel abandoned and alone. I feel broken and unlovable.

Today I was reminded of the promise to those who cling to the iron rod: they will find happiness and feel the love of God. And though I have perhaps wandered, the Good Shepherd gently leads me back to the right path.

I felt His love today while serving others. I feel comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father has prepared a way. His word includes the gospel of Jesus Christ. Because of Christ, wounds can be healed. Even broken hearts. The future is always bright for those holding to the rod, even if it doesn't appear bright at the moment. Mists will fade, and then one day I'll be able to look back and see where I came from and how far I have come. Keep pushing on. Hold on, the light will come.