Dear Family and Friends, Thanks for the Love and Support

I dreaded the conversation of having the break the news of my divorce to my oldest sisters.  I called one of my sisters to let her know and the conversation went like this:

Me, "Hey I justed wanted to let you know that I'm getting a divorce."

My Sister, "I knew you were."

Me, "oh, you did?  How?"

My Sister, "I saw a change in your status on facebook."

Me, "oh, well I just wanted to let you know."

It felt awkward and I didn't know what else to say.  I felt sad and like others would judge me.  A couple of weeks later, she sent me a package with a new pair of runners and a scarf with a note that said something to the effect of, "I know what your going through and I hope these shoes will help you through it, and the scarf will keep you warm."  I cried.  It was the best thing that she could give me.  Running shoes.  She has been through this before as well. 

I have had some much love and support from those around me.  They are like God's angels helping me through this time and keeping me going and believing.  I am so grateful that I have these people in my life.  My other sister (I have four) came and visited me one weekend so I wouldn't have to be alone, my other sister was there the weekend I had to move out.  My parents came immediately the next day to help me move, and then came back again with a bookshelf that my dad built for me.  My friends at school have been supportive, kind, and have left notes of encouragement for me.  My former Relief Society president sent me a package and a letter.  I can't believe all the love I have felt while going through this difficult time.  I have had less time to feel alone with the love I feel from them. These people in my life remind me of the scripture that those desiring to be part of God's people must be, "willing to mourn with those that mourn, yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places."  I have been comforted by other people so much in the past month.  This is what the Savior would do, is comfort those who need comfort. 

Family and Friends:  Thank you for your Christ-like love and words and actions that brought me comfort.  I hope to one day do the same for someone else!

On another note, yesterday I put those running shoes to work by trying out a trail to run on.  It was muddy and snowy, but I enjoyed the weather.  The funny part is the trail kind of ended.  It was supposed to be a loop and I ended up in this muddy field running through sage brush with no trail, and then on a farmer's field having to cut under barbed wire to get back to my car.  It was an adventure, but I had moments where I felt the beauty of this world and thanked God for my health.  Below are pictures from my run and a picture of the running shoes and cute scarf my sister sent me.  She always has great taste!

God Heard the Sobbings of My Heart

When I found out that my husband wanted to end our marriage, I retreated to prayer and in my heartache, I poured out my soul to Heavenly Father and wanted an answer on three specific things: 1) I felt like I would be a misfit as a single, divorced woman in her late 20's going to church in a church so focused on families 2) I didn't understand why I felt so right about marrying in the first place; why was I led down this "wrong road" and 3) I wanted to know where I stood before Him; where was my fault in all this?  I prayed and prayed and felt nothing and then I thought to myself that I had not read my scriptures that morning and I considered where I should read, I considered a few things, but I remembered that I had never finished listening to the talks from the General Relief Society meeting so I listened to the talk by Linda S. Reeves that I hadn't heard yet.  The second half answered each one of my questions in order.  She mentions Jacob 2, which I feel is an applicable scripture to my situation.  I want to quote one portion from the words of the ancient prophet Jacob to his people,
       
           "Ye have broken the hearts of your tender wives, and lost the confidence of your children, because of your bad examples before them; and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against you."

I had wondered previously if God had heard my prayers.  When I found out about "the other girl" I cried to God about it, and felt like He wasn't there.  I remember feeling so alone.  I know now that He heard and He was there listening to the "sobbings of my heart."

Anyways the talk I heard that answered my prayer related a story about the Provo tabernacle burning down.  Why did God allow this to happen?  He could have stopped the fire.  But He allowed it to burn the inside of the building totally, creating a new beginning for that building.  Later that year, the prophet announced that it would become a magnificent temple, a house of the Lord, a most holy place.  So it is with our lives.  We are refined from the inside so that we can become magnificent.  What it is I will become I am not sure.  I know that I have developed more compassion for others through this, realizing that all are fighting a battle at some or many points in their lives.  Anyways, here is the link, it's an awesome talk.  My answers start at 4:10, but the whole thing is great.

I am grateful that I have been taught to pray so that when the "tempest is raging" I know to turn to the Master.

Grad School

It is almost midnight and I just submitted a large project for my language class.  I hope I did well on it!  Anyways, I have such a fun cohort in my grad program.  I am so grateful for the girls (and one guy) in my cohort that are supportive and fun.  We always are able to laugh at ourselves as we go through this stressful process.  I am so grateful for good friends who have done so much for me in the past month.  Mostly listening!  I have had a lot to talk about with my personal life and I have had so much support from my friends, cohort, and faculty.

Also, I am grateful for my mom.  She is definitely someone that you'd want on your side when the going gets rough.  I love her!  I got to text her a little bit this morning but it's been a busy day and now I'm going to bed.

Wrong Roads

This video was a reassurance to me.  Going through a divorce makes one question faith.  When I chose to marry Zach I felt very strongly that it was the right thing for me to do.  I prayed about it and pondered it and went to the temple about it.  I felt such a strong answer that it was right and then this is what happens.  Three years of my life feel like they are down the drain.  I tried my best to make it work and it didn't matter to him.  He just didn't love me.  Looking back now I recognize that because I often tried to hold his hand or kiss him and he would just not return the affection.  That is not love.  This morning I was questioning the reality of the Spirit of personal revelation.  Either the spirit doesn't really communicate with us or I just am bad at communicating with it.  This is what I was thinking because of my failed marriage that I had felt so confident would last.  Elder Holland's words bring me peace.  My marriage to Zach was a dead end.  But maybe there is a purpose in it.  I at least know that I am not at fault as far as the divorce goes.  I would not have decided on it.  I would have chosen to work through our imperfections.  I tried to let go and forgive him for having a relationship with another girl.  And now I have proven my commitment.  Despite heartaches I would have held on to Zach as long as he would have stayed, but he left.

Now I am looking forward.  What was I to gain from all this?  What can I learn?  One thing I know is I will not lose faith.

Please watch!

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=2714780496001

Potato Soup

I lately have wondered if Heavenly Father is there and if He is aware of my struggling.  I have to share a story that has come to my mind in this difficulty of facing an unwanted and unexpected divorce.  In September, I was beginning a Master's program in Speech and Language Pathology and working and concerned about my marriage.  The semester started out with many demands and I felt overwhelmed.  Not to mention I was commuting 80 miles one way every day by public transportation and it was a 2-hour one-way commute.  I had been unable to catch up on grocery shopping, but I also had been so stressed over school and life that I had been unable to eat much.  While at school one day I was getting ready to walk the mile or so up to my bus stop and I was thinking "I'm hungry, but nothing sounds good.  All I want to eat right now is potato soup."  After I commuted to Rexburg, I was walking home in the dark and had had a really long day without much to eat.  I don't remember, but I think the Salt Lake Express was late in getting me back because I remember walking home in the dark and it was chilly and my husband was unavailable to give me a ride.  While walking home I was thinking about how tired and hungry I was, but wondering what I would eat when I got home because of our empty cupboards and fridge.  I would have to soon go to bed to wake up very early the next morning just to get back on the bus.  When I arrived home, there was a warm container of potato soup from a sister in my ward whom I hardly knew.  She must have left it there just a few minutes before!  I teared up a little and was so grateful!  But it did not seem like a coincidence that just a few hours earlier I was thinking that potato soup was the only thing I wanted to eat.  I promptly gobbled part of it right up (after a quick prayer of gratitude) and left some for Zach and took some for my lunch the next day.
 A couple of weeks later, my husband broke the news to me that he wanted a divorce.  He is in love with someone else, and couldn't remember the last time he felt love for me.  I felt so down, so alone, and so confused.  It felt like the darkest moment of my life.  My prayers were almost angry and I cried to God in despair, "You are not there!  I don't feel you close!  Where are you!"  During this cry to Heavenly Father, the spirit reminded me of the potato soup.  It confirmed in my heart that that was not a coincidence.  It's as if He was responding to my prayer before I even prayed it when He directed that faithful sister to bring me some soup.  I have held on to that tender mercy and reminded myself of it when I feel alone.  Because of this tender mercy in my life, I have renewed faith that my Heavenly Father is indeed aware of me and my heartache and He hears the sobbings of my heart (Jacob 2).  He loves me.
 I hope that I can one day be an answer to another's prayer the way she was for me.  Thank you sister Ryan! 

Two legs

I'm so glad I have two working legs and a good set of lungs so I can run.