It has been 10 months since I moved away from a small town full of memories of my married life and unexpectedly became single again and began the healing process after being left, after, against my choice, ending a marriage in which I was thoroughly invested and to which I was completely committed. I was never given a good explanation of why our marriage was ending, and since then, I have wondered in which ways exactly was I not good enough. Since that day just over 10 months ago (actually, even before that day), I have battled these destructive thoughts and feelings of "I am not enough," and I continue to today. This post reminded me, yet again, that my Heavenly Father would never want me to feel this way.
"We sometimes as women, have a tendency to be very critical of ourselves. During these times we need to seek the Spirit and ask 'Is this what the Lord wants me to think about myself, or is Satan trying to beat me down?' Remember the nature of our Heavenly Father, whose love is perfect and infinite. He wants to build us up, not tear us down." -Linda S. Reeves
But the adversary indeed takes advantage of times when one feels beaten down. I have experienced it myself--being bombarded with the thought that "I am not enough," leading to despair and a sentiment of "what's the point? I should just give up."
Lehi, an ancient prophet, dreamed about the tree of life. In this dream there was a rod of iron that led to this tree whose fruit was desirable to make one happy. This fruit represents the love of God. He who wants to build me up. He who knows me. He, who is in the details of my life. He, who is indeed my father. He, whose love makes me happy.
Now, if only it were that simple: a rod that leads to a tree whose fruit is happiness. No. This life is a journey. A tough journey. Tough enough that my prayers may sound something like "I hope ya know, I'm having a hard time!" No one is exempt from challenges, fear, not knowing what is ahead, peer pressure, shame, regret, heart-ache, sickness, etc. As soon as one lets go of the rod of iron, she finds other pathways and can easily get lost or fall in a river. And then there's the people pointing fingers and mocking those who are pressing on towards the tree whose fruit is the love of God, and is desirable to make one happy. Why others mock those who truly seek happiness, I do not understand. The rod of iron is the word of God. Those hearkening to the word of God find the tree. But even those who hold onto the rod of iron at times are surrounded by mists of darkness. When traveling through the mists of darkness, if one is not clinging to the rod, they will get lost. Even those who are truly penitent seekers of happiness, who follow Christ's commandments at times are surrounded by mists of darkness.
The feelings resulting from my divorce (I still hate to say that word) remind me of the mists of darkness. I question all of my choices, past and present, and don't trust them, I wonder what lies ahead of me and if I will ever have a family of my own. I feel beaten down. I feel abandoned and alone. I feel broken and unlovable.
Today I was reminded of the promise to those who cling to the iron rod: they will find happiness and feel the love of God. And though I have perhaps wandered, the Good Shepherd gently leads me back to the right path.
I felt His love today while serving others. I feel comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father has prepared a way. His word includes the gospel of Jesus Christ. Because of Christ, wounds can be healed. Even broken hearts. The future is always bright for those holding to the rod, even if it doesn't appear bright at the moment. Mists will fade, and then one day I'll be able to look back and see where I came from and how far I have come. Keep pushing on. Hold on, the light will come.
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