Today I felt like there was a club that everyone else was invited to but me. It's called "being parents." I am approaching the due date of "our little heartbeat" this week. another woman in our ward had a baby this week and brought her to church today. Everyone was excited to see her baby and talk about it and yes, we need to extend service to her, but I felt totally uncomfortable. You see, I'm not a part of that club, so I feel out of place, awkward, and bitter that I'm not a part of it. Yesterday I had to buy a baby shower gift for our niece. Yes, our niece. She's already a part of the club. Why did buying a gift for her feel so crappy? Why can't I be genuinely excited for others. I have to force it. I look at all the women around me, they all have kids. Their hormones are in balance. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I don't love being at church.
These are venting words, and no, these thoughts aren't constantly in my brain, but they come, and they hurt. My sweet husband deserves to have children. He wants to be a dad. I want to give that to him so badly. I wonder if it will ever happen. I hope it does. I still hope and pray, and dream it will happen.
These are venting words, and no, these thoughts aren't constantly in my brain, but they come, and they hurt. My sweet husband deserves to have children. He wants to be a dad. I want to give that to him so badly. I wonder if it will ever happen. I hope it does. I still hope and pray, and dream it will happen.
